In this newsletter: How my thinking about adoption completely changed when I started following adoptees on Twitter and learning about their experiences.
Thanks for helping to spread the word. Discovering John Gregg on Twitter some weeks ago was a revelation to me, too. Definitely opened my eyes to the issues with adoption.
I agree with so much of what you're saying. AND I am an adopted mother of seven kids, all adopted internationally. Six out of the seven were abandoned with no connection to any family history whatsoever. Not even names or birthdays. We try to honor their culture and are very open and honest about their histories and would encourage them as much as possible to find their birth families if they want. We would 100% support that. One son has some information about his birth mother and we hope to connect with her one day when and if he wants to.
Adoption is brokeness. We honor that. We acknowledge it and don't gloss over the fact that there is much pain involved on all sides. We hold that at the same time as knowing our kids have physically healthy lives and a family to support them and love them. All kids need families, this I 100% support. Not institutions to raise children, families. But instead of just pulling them out of the system we need to go upstream and see why they are falling in. That's where we'll solve the problem. And that is why I support so much of what you're saying here. Adoption is not the solution, finding out why it is necessary and solving that is.
I would like to propose that when it comes to finding their birth families, that you lead the way now. I am available to discuss this, but basically, time is of the essence in retracing steps and utilizing current resources to ensure that information does not get lost. The more information you have now helps the child grow with better informed information and not guesses or images that they have to reconstruct. We want to avoid the "ghost" kingdom and also it gives you the opportunity for more conversations, for them to be prepared for good and bad information and does not leave this adult responsibility to them.
Thank you so much for offering your help! Without going into too many details we have definitely laid the foundation for all of the kids to do this. And we will always help them in whatever way we can to do this fully when they are ready. But I do feel it is important for them to be ready for what they might discover and most of them are not there yet. The responsibility to do this will not be on their shoulders, we will do it with them and have laid the groundwork there to build off of in the future.
My thinking was that there shouldn’t be anything to “discover.” You are part of that family as well and you can understand the backgrounds and can raise the children with a developmentally appropriate understanding of how families are formed, how decisions are made etc and keep current photos etc available as part of regular family life. There isn’t an individual life book, but larger family life book
And that when you are from a country that is very different than America there are other facets involved that I'm not going to go into online. I will say that they know everything about their history that there is to know, as in all documents we possess our open to them, we have been completely forthcoming with them about every part of their history that we know. There is nothing hidden.
Information is of course shared age-appropriately, but it is shared.
I love what you said about how we are all a part of this family! I would love to know their bio families and I hope someday that is a possibility.
This was so interesting to read. My husband and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 19 and she decided (my husband was willing to do whatever she wanted, even if it meant marriage for two fundamentally incompatible people.). Their son knew who his father was, because the provincial adoption person carefully “left” the file on her desk when she left the room and his adoptive mother looked at it and remembered my husband’s name. He sought his birth parents out when he was 25 and he and his family have been part of our family (not, weirdly, his birth mother’s- she was very wary of getting involved with him) ever since. Our sons call him their brother and his children are our grandchildren. It has been a blessing to all of us - he is SO like his father it’s funny.
Thank you for bringing attention to this issue! I wanted to add my perspective as a lawyer working in family defense, a field dedicated to reunifying families separated through the family policing system. Most domestic adoption is not of children whose parents have died or have chosen to put their child up for adoption; rather, these are children whose parents' rights have been terminated by child protection systems, often for minor infractions. I had one client, a nurse and loving father, who got into a fight with another adult man and was charged with neglecting his child. I'm not condoning fighting, but he cannot reasonably be said to have neglected his son. In other cases, parents who are unhoused are punished for their poverty by having their children removed, rather than the state providing housing. This system particularly targets families who poor and/or Black, effectively extending police surveillance in these communities.
New York state lists children who are available for adoption, much like animals searchable by characteristics on PetFinder. This is a sickening concept, if we remember that almost all of these children have parents who would do anything to have their children returned: https://hs.ocfs.ny.gov/Adoption/Child/DemographicSearch
I also learned about this sort of thing from the Instagram account @operationstopcps which is run by two former CPS workers. Their focus is on reunited families that were unjustly separated. They highlight this disproportionately effects poor families of color, whose lack of resources is not only used against them but prevents them from defending themselves as well. One heart breaking case is of Ms. Sellers whose newborn Zephaniah Jonte was taken from her in the hospital in Kentucky. There has never been a legitimate reason given BUT they used her former case file as a foster child against her to show she is unfit to parent. It has been almost a year and it looks like they are still separated. I’m not sure if their goal is to get him adopted out…but there seems to be more of a demand for babies than there are babies who actually need homes. Cases like this seem to be one way that demand is being fed.
Your essays are so deep and well referenced that they feel collectible. If you published a book of essays I would buy it for myself and for friends, even if it only included all the stuff you have put out for free and that I have already read! Thank you. 🙏
If you haven't yet, you should check out the book American Baby by Gabrielle Glaser. I just finished it last week and boy, did I come out of it thinking many of the same things you touch on here. The story told in the book was heartbreaking. The history of adoption in this county is incredibly complicated and in many cases, fraudulent - and I had NO IDEA. Very highly recommend the book if you're interested in the subject or want to learn something new.
Foster the teens has been a great resource for learning about fostering and adoption. She talks about broad issues, like that so many kids have lost caregivers in the US from covid and we are not adequately supporting families in need.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Gabrielle. It isn't a subject I have given a lot of critical thought to, although I know several adult adoptees. You mentioned Little Fires Everywhere as a fiction example of putting a child up for adoption for financial reasons and I would also recommend The Heart's Invisible Furies, which I am currently reading. It's a novel set in 1940's Ireland centered around a boy put up for adoption... I am only a quarter of the way through, but it is a beautiful and heart-wrenching story. I'm going to read and explore the resources you share on this subject, thank you again.
I have a unique adoption story, involving 2 women, the feminist movement, falsified hospital records and fleeing across the border. Does it shape who I am? Probably. How do I feel about it? I'm not sure. Every story has so many parts. I was in my 30s when a therapist said "of course you have trauma"
Echoing the gratitude expressed by so many others. I SO appreciate how you've grown and evolved your platform to be more than just design and that you're brave enough to express values, challenge assumptions and to share your experience and learning with others. I really, really value your research, consideration and writing on various topics. I liked another reader's suggestion for a book - I love the idea of a book that we'd all gift the young people in our life, a primer for critical thinking about concepts that our society needs to challenge more.
This Instagram account I follow by a parent who has an open transracial adoption through foster care might be of interest in this conversation https://www.instagram.com/family.rewritten/
Yep, yep, yep. I (in my early-40s) was adopted as an infant -- and in the '80s, if you were adopting a "healthy" white baby, you truly were just buying a baby for yourself. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family since I was 17 (they weren't horrible abusive people, but...they never "smelled right"?, among other things). I have no interest in seeking out more family I have nothing in common with, but, as someone with a chronic illness I was diagnosed with in my early-20s, it sure would be nice to have genetic/medical history. (For the state I was born in, I'd have to pay a fee to join a registry, I'm not actually sure what hospital I was born at which they want to know, and you also agree to make your own medical stuff visible for any bio-parents if you are requesting access to theirs, which...I don't want to do, so I haven't bothered, but it's super vexing every time a specialist wants to know about my family medical history.)
Interesting essay! I think a lot of the points you make are equally valid regarding surrogacy which is also problematic but seems to be presented by the media as wholly positive.
Thanks for helping to spread the word. Discovering John Gregg on Twitter some weeks ago was a revelation to me, too. Definitely opened my eyes to the issues with adoption.
I agree with so much of what you're saying. AND I am an adopted mother of seven kids, all adopted internationally. Six out of the seven were abandoned with no connection to any family history whatsoever. Not even names or birthdays. We try to honor their culture and are very open and honest about their histories and would encourage them as much as possible to find their birth families if they want. We would 100% support that. One son has some information about his birth mother and we hope to connect with her one day when and if he wants to.
Adoption is brokeness. We honor that. We acknowledge it and don't gloss over the fact that there is much pain involved on all sides. We hold that at the same time as knowing our kids have physically healthy lives and a family to support them and love them. All kids need families, this I 100% support. Not institutions to raise children, families. But instead of just pulling them out of the system we need to go upstream and see why they are falling in. That's where we'll solve the problem. And that is why I support so much of what you're saying here. Adoption is not the solution, finding out why it is necessary and solving that is.
Going upstream is the key
I would like to propose that when it comes to finding their birth families, that you lead the way now. I am available to discuss this, but basically, time is of the essence in retracing steps and utilizing current resources to ensure that information does not get lost. The more information you have now helps the child grow with better informed information and not guesses or images that they have to reconstruct. We want to avoid the "ghost" kingdom and also it gives you the opportunity for more conversations, for them to be prepared for good and bad information and does not leave this adult responsibility to them.
Thank you so much for offering your help! Without going into too many details we have definitely laid the foundation for all of the kids to do this. And we will always help them in whatever way we can to do this fully when they are ready. But I do feel it is important for them to be ready for what they might discover and most of them are not there yet. The responsibility to do this will not be on their shoulders, we will do it with them and have laid the groundwork there to build off of in the future.
My thinking was that there shouldn’t be anything to “discover.” You are part of that family as well and you can understand the backgrounds and can raise the children with a developmentally appropriate understanding of how families are formed, how decisions are made etc and keep current photos etc available as part of regular family life. There isn’t an individual life book, but larger family life book
Agreed!
And that when you are from a country that is very different than America there are other facets involved that I'm not going to go into online. I will say that they know everything about their history that there is to know, as in all documents we possess our open to them, we have been completely forthcoming with them about every part of their history that we know. There is nothing hidden.
Information is of course shared age-appropriately, but it is shared.
I love what you said about how we are all a part of this family! I would love to know their bio families and I hope someday that is a possibility.
This was so interesting to read. My husband and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 19 and she decided (my husband was willing to do whatever she wanted, even if it meant marriage for two fundamentally incompatible people.). Their son knew who his father was, because the provincial adoption person carefully “left” the file on her desk when she left the room and his adoptive mother looked at it and remembered my husband’s name. He sought his birth parents out when he was 25 and he and his family have been part of our family (not, weirdly, his birth mother’s- she was very wary of getting involved with him) ever since. Our sons call him their brother and his children are our grandchildren. It has been a blessing to all of us - he is SO like his father it’s funny.
Thank you for bringing attention to this issue! I wanted to add my perspective as a lawyer working in family defense, a field dedicated to reunifying families separated through the family policing system. Most domestic adoption is not of children whose parents have died or have chosen to put their child up for adoption; rather, these are children whose parents' rights have been terminated by child protection systems, often for minor infractions. I had one client, a nurse and loving father, who got into a fight with another adult man and was charged with neglecting his child. I'm not condoning fighting, but he cannot reasonably be said to have neglected his son. In other cases, parents who are unhoused are punished for their poverty by having their children removed, rather than the state providing housing. This system particularly targets families who poor and/or Black, effectively extending police surveillance in these communities.
For more information, see this NYT article: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/21/nyregion/foster-care-nyc-jane-crow.html
New York state lists children who are available for adoption, much like animals searchable by characteristics on PetFinder. This is a sickening concept, if we remember that almost all of these children have parents who would do anything to have their children returned: https://hs.ocfs.ny.gov/Adoption/Child/DemographicSearch
I also learned about this sort of thing from the Instagram account @operationstopcps which is run by two former CPS workers. Their focus is on reunited families that were unjustly separated. They highlight this disproportionately effects poor families of color, whose lack of resources is not only used against them but prevents them from defending themselves as well. One heart breaking case is of Ms. Sellers whose newborn Zephaniah Jonte was taken from her in the hospital in Kentucky. There has never been a legitimate reason given BUT they used her former case file as a foster child against her to show she is unfit to parent. It has been almost a year and it looks like they are still separated. I’m not sure if their goal is to get him adopted out…but there seems to be more of a demand for babies than there are babies who actually need homes. Cases like this seem to be one way that demand is being fed.
Your essays are so deep and well referenced that they feel collectible. If you published a book of essays I would buy it for myself and for friends, even if it only included all the stuff you have put out for free and that I have already read! Thank you. 🙏
If you haven't yet, you should check out the book American Baby by Gabrielle Glaser. I just finished it last week and boy, did I come out of it thinking many of the same things you touch on here. The story told in the book was heartbreaking. The history of adoption in this county is incredibly complicated and in many cases, fraudulent - and I had NO IDEA. Very highly recommend the book if you're interested in the subject or want to learn something new.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/48710835-american-baby
Really thought provoking! I appreciate you sharing all of this perspective on adoption to get people like me thinking :)
https://instagram.com/fostertheteens?utm_medium=copy_link
Foster the teens has been a great resource for learning about fostering and adoption. She talks about broad issues, like that so many kids have lost caregivers in the US from covid and we are not adequately supporting families in need.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Gabrielle. It isn't a subject I have given a lot of critical thought to, although I know several adult adoptees. You mentioned Little Fires Everywhere as a fiction example of putting a child up for adoption for financial reasons and I would also recommend The Heart's Invisible Furies, which I am currently reading. It's a novel set in 1940's Ireland centered around a boy put up for adoption... I am only a quarter of the way through, but it is a beautiful and heart-wrenching story. I'm going to read and explore the resources you share on this subject, thank you again.
I have a unique adoption story, involving 2 women, the feminist movement, falsified hospital records and fleeing across the border. Does it shape who I am? Probably. How do I feel about it? I'm not sure. Every story has so many parts. I was in my 30s when a therapist said "of course you have trauma"
Gabrielle, thank you.
You’ll cop some harsh “feedback” for this post I’m sure.
Please know how incredible your allyship is.
I’m a 53 yo adoptee from Australia and I’ve NEVER read an article like this, where someone explained that listening to adoptees changed their views.
Thank you is so insufficient, but thank you. Thank you so much for seeing us and hearing us.
Echoing the gratitude expressed by so many others. I SO appreciate how you've grown and evolved your platform to be more than just design and that you're brave enough to express values, challenge assumptions and to share your experience and learning with others. I really, really value your research, consideration and writing on various topics. I liked another reader's suggestion for a book - I love the idea of a book that we'd all gift the young people in our life, a primer for critical thinking about concepts that our society needs to challenge more.
This Instagram account I follow by a parent who has an open transracial adoption through foster care might be of interest in this conversation https://www.instagram.com/family.rewritten/
Yep, yep, yep. I (in my early-40s) was adopted as an infant -- and in the '80s, if you were adopting a "healthy" white baby, you truly were just buying a baby for yourself. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family since I was 17 (they weren't horrible abusive people, but...they never "smelled right"?, among other things). I have no interest in seeking out more family I have nothing in common with, but, as someone with a chronic illness I was diagnosed with in my early-20s, it sure would be nice to have genetic/medical history. (For the state I was born in, I'd have to pay a fee to join a registry, I'm not actually sure what hospital I was born at which they want to know, and you also agree to make your own medical stuff visible for any bio-parents if you are requesting access to theirs, which...I don't want to do, so I haven't bothered, but it's super vexing every time a specialist wants to know about my family medical history.)
Interesting essay! I think a lot of the points you make are equally valid regarding surrogacy which is also problematic but seems to be presented by the media as wholly positive.
https://therumpus.net/2016/11/forced-into-fairy-tales-media-myths-and-adoption-fallacies/
Oh my. What an essay. Just gorgeous. I'm still wiping tears.
Yes, this is one of the most powerful pieces about adoption I’ve ever read. X