My mom, Donna, married her high-school sweetheart, Roger, a couple of years after their spouses passed away. Donna has 8 kids. Roger has 10 kids. That means there are 18 step-siblings, plus spouses and grandkids. It's a LOT of people. And it's not the Brady Bunch situation Donna & Roger were first imagining when blending their families.
I have (or had) a mini-version of your stepsibling experience. I've had a stepbrother for around 30 years who I've never actually forgotten about, but we've only seen each other a handful of times and up until last year we'd never had any meaningful contact. But a year ago this month, my Dad started having medical problems that were pretty obviously the beginning of the end. As my Dad's family is in Texas and I'm in Sweden and we have pretty limited contact, I wouldn't have even known this; and with COVID, I couldn't even travel there when I did find out. But my wonderful stepbrother got in touch, and over the coming month facilitated many, many FaceTime visits for my Dad and me. And in between, stepbro and I talked a lot about both practical and emotional matters. My Dad did ultimately pass, and I got detailed updates on the memorial service and all it entailed. My Dad's wife has always kept me updated via letters, but if it hadn't been for my stepbrother I wouldn't have had that precious personal time with my Dad in his final days. I'll always be grateful.
This is fascinating. I don’t have the exact same experience, but do have two step siblings I didn’t meet until I was an adult. I’m aware of their lives but don’t have personal contact with them and still say when I’m asked that I’m an only child.
We have a similar situation- my father remarried when he was in his seventies, and his wife had three grown children. My children were 4 and 7 at the time. I never felt that his wife was my stepmother, because I was already a grownup, although relations between us were always cordial enough. Because my mother is still alive, my boys never thought of Michiko as their grandmother, and she never really behaved that way either, although she was always very nice to them. Her three grown children and their kids were everything to her, which was fine. But one of her daughters -well into her twenties - latched onto my father, although her own father was still alive and involved. When my father died, I was there (in Texas, I live in Canada) and dealing with things. I discovered that the day after he died she had emailed his entire address book announcing that her father had died. I didn’t say anything- it was done, after all, and I had other things on my mind at the time, but I thought it quite outrageous, and it made my letters to relatives (none of whom knew her) a bit awkward…. In the intervening years, we've kept very sporadically in touch - Michiko has full-blown Alzheimer’s so any contact has been with the same daughter, who is her caretaker. Michiko's ex-husband died last year and the daughter was apparently devastated. Fortunately I don’t think he had any of my father's e-mail contacts on his list.
This is so similar to my husband's family where his dad had nine kids and remarried a divorced woman with five kids after his mom passed away? The only difference is that half the kids were grown, and half were still at home, so a few of the kids who were raised by both have a different connection to the step-family. We actually really like my husband's step-siblings, but they don't actually feel like family either. First of all, it's just too darn many people to keep track of, but the cultures are also pretty different, and their dad is also still alive--which also adds a different dynamic. It was kind of funny early on because I know my MIL really wanted the kids to be a Brady Bunch family (or at least the kids thought so). So, we would trade names for Christmas among my husband's family--not even thinking to include the step-siblings. And apparently, the step-siblings traded names among themselves too, but they also included traded the names of my husband's family--but never told us the assignments or anything, so it was really just for show to make their mom feel good. She's a pretty great grandma to my kids, and I have my own relationship with her and love her. However, I think sometimes she's unintentionally caused hurt feelings over the years by expecting the grown kids to call her mom and treating grandkids differently between the two families while expecting all the grandkids to treat her the same, when I think she would have probably done better in establishing relationships with grown children by not trying to be the mom and just being their dad's wife and acknowledging that it's a different type of relationship that can be loving and meaningful. Sometimes I think acknowledging that it's NOT the Brady Bunch is very healthy for everyone involved.
My mother remarried when I was in my 20’s and had already moved out. She and my father had divorced several years earlier. I also always referred to him as my mother’s husband, never stepfather, although I had more contact with him than my actual father, who I hadn’t seen since a chance meeting on the bus when I was 18. My stepfather was also in my wedding photos, although I didn’t have anyone "give me away"; my husband and I walked down the aisle together :) My stepfather had 3 grown daughters, from 2 previous marriages; one much older and with a family in Sweden, and two about the same age, in the same city. My sister and I never met any of them. His daughter and grandson in Sweden always kept in touch with him, and then with my mother after he died, until she too died years later. The two daughters in Canada didn’t come to their wedding and they didn’t come to his funeral. Needless to say, I have no idea what they’re doing.
I was summarizing this post to my husband and when I reminded me him that I too have step-siblings, he responded "huh, honestly forgot that's true for you too." My Dad remarried when I was in college and I gained three step-siblings, one of which I still have not met (they live in CO and I live in NY). The kids are younger than my brother and me so my dad was a very active figure in their lives and raised them for the last twelve years. I, on the other hand, would never think of his wife as my step-mother. It's very odd sharing a parent with strangers!
This resonates with me so much. My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's and both remarried in subsequent years. Both of their spouses have children that are much older than my siblings and me. Most of them I've never met; in fact, I don't even think I know all of their names. I certainly don't think of them as step-siblings, not out of any ill-will but just because they've never been a part of my life. I also didn't start referring to my mom's husband as my step-dad until recently, again, not out of any animosity but because I was an adult when my mom married him and I've never lived under the same roof as him. I've only started recently referring to him as my step-dad (and it's taken some getting used to) because my mom told me it would mean a lot to him.
My dad remarried when we were adults to someone with grown children. My brother embraced that family and while I loved his wife, I certainly never considered her children my brothers and sister. Both my dad and his wife have died and subsequently her daughter passed away. In the obituary, I am listed as her sister, (this, I think courtesy of my brother) and it comes up when you Google my name! I didn’t have any hard feelings towards that family, oh wait, up until they decided the daughter and subsequently her husband would be buried in the same plot as my dad and his wife, and they would remove and replace his head stone. The lovely stone his wife selected was replaced by a sparkly black granite Las Vegas-esque stone selected by the daughter’s brother in law, not even someone actually in their family! I had a lot of back-and-forth with the cemetery (Who wanted to give me the old stone 😬), and with the family, but finally gave up. just didn’t have room for that drama at the time.
So my parents got divorced when I was three. I have one full sister. After the divorce I didn't see or speak to my bio dad for 15 years. I lived with my mom and since bio dad didn't make contact, he lost his parental rights and when my mom got remarried, my step-dad adopted me and my sister and they had four more kids. In my heart I'm the oldest of six. My adoptive dad died when I was 17 and mom has since remarried again, so I have two step-sisters. As an adult (30 at the time) I did go and visit my bio-dad and his wife and their four grown children. All told I have 11 siblings, but like you, I'm not a huge fan of ....several of them. 😅
My dear and very loved Grandmother has been married three times, due to her spouses passing away young. Her current, third husband, shares her story of being with his third spouse due to the previous two passing away as well. She has three biological children, he has three biological children, and both of their second spouses each had three of their own children so between the two of them they share 12 children. It is confusing and I admit I'm a bit like you- I don't keep track of the stepsiblings (my aunts and uncles, technically), and I definitely don't keep track of their kids or grandkids. My Grandma wishes I would call her third husband Grandpa, but I was an adult when they got married and like you, the role of Papa was beautifully filled by her late second husband for me, and her current husband just can't fill that hole for me (although he is definitely Great Grandpa to my children!). Funny story: I had a friend growing up who I knew from going to church with my Grandma....that friend is now technically my cousin, because her mom is the step-daughter of my Grandma's third/current husband....ha!
I have a stepsister that I’ve known almost my whole life but she and my stepmom were really terrible to me growing up so I never really bonded with her. She’s only 11 months younger than me and we went to the same college at the same time. I have a funny memory of running into her while out with some friends who also knew her and they asked how we knew each other and we had to explain that her mom was married to my dad. We’re friendly and are connected on social media but I wouldn’t say we’re friends. I wasn’t invited to her wedding, I probably wouldn’t invite her to mine should I get married. She and her mom both have realized that they were terrible to me and apologized and I’m happy about that but I don’t seek them out for any type of relationship. Also, another side story, they didn’t feel the need to tell me when my grandfather died, I move around a lot and I wasn’t living anywhere near and admit that I was pretty bad with checking in on him, but I hadn’t heard anything about him in a while so I had to awkwardly ask if he was still alive and got, “oh no, he’s been gone for a while now” “oh, okay, so was anyone going to tell me or my siblings?!” And then I had to tell my siblings and mom that he had passed. Families are weird and complicated.
Ohh, yes. My parents divorced when I was 30 and my father remarried a few years later. Each had 2 grown children, hers with grandkids, me and my brother without. My father and his wife tried as hard as they could to make us ‘one big happy family’ as though neither they or us had ever had a previous life. My ‘you’re not my step-mom’ also had a huge family- 3 married brothers with kids, grandkids etc. I have a cousin on my Dad’s side who is/was very close, my Dad was like a substitute Dad to her. As you can guess, it never really worked out, though we all really tried to go along with it (unlike a lot of other comments here). My step-brother and I did not get along, my step-sister and I became new besties for years. The going got rough as the old folks aged. My brother and I stepped in to care for our Dad since his wife was NOT interested in caregiving and ceased to be interested once he wasn’t fun anymore. She actually was psychologically abusive. Turns out my brother had hated her from day one but never said anything. My ‘step-sister’ who lived the closest maintained her 1x a week afternoon visit no matter what. My brother died unexpectedly. I ended up spending 1/2 time at my home and 1/2 time at my Dad’s so he would have company and someone watching out for him (he has since passed). My step-brother turned out to be a mensch and very helpful. So with my generation it all switched (based on values I guess). Close with step-brother, barely communicate with former ‘bestie’ step-sister. Immediately after my Fathers death, my ‘you’re not my step-mother’ hired outside lawyers and tried to ‘adjust’ my Fathers will. I was patient and the executors deaIt with it. It took 4 years, but she lost. We have not spoken since a month after he died and never will again. She is still alive. It is in trust, but I also own half the house they shared. Really not looking forward to dealing with that when the time comes. Mostly, I miss my bother and Dad.
My husband’s father remarried when my husband was in his late twenties and his dad totally dumped him and his brother as neither I nor my sister-in-law were able to have kids, but his new step-children did. The grandkids of his new step-kids became his life and he never really bothered with his two biological sons again. My husband hasn’t spoken to him in many years. It’s a very sad situation as it is, but his behaviour really did make it worse for us as we felt so inadequate. Needless to say this will never be a blended family!
My parents divorced when I was in my early 20’s. My dad remarried a woman several years later with 9 (adult) children from previous marriages. I have never met them and I highly doubt I’ll ever have a relationship with any of them. Like you, I rarely even remember they exist. A few years ago, one of them was going for a security clearance for their job and requested birthdates and social security numbers as I was listed as a sibling on the person’s application. I had to respond back to my dad’s wife that I wasn’t a sibling, that I had never even met or even spoken to the person applying and would not be providing that info. She got offended that I wasn’t willing to help “family”. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, I so appreciate you opening up about this topic! As someone with nine siblings, I have enough trouble keeping track of them and their families now that we are all adults. The four stepsisters I gained when I was in my forties are perfectly fine people but I don’t think of them as my siblings—I tend to think of them as my mom’s husband’s kids. There was some wishful thinking on my mom’s part that we would all merge into a big(ger) family when they married, but logistically that’s just impossible unless we rent out a convention hall or something. Age (they were in their 30s and 40s as well) and proximity (I don’t live nearby my step siblings) probably played a role, too.
But my own oldest child is technically my former stepson, as his dad and I married when he was a toddler and then we divorced after 22 years together. He’s still my kid and he’s still my other two kids’ brother. We are fortunate that our divorce was amicable and we can all celebrate birthdays and holidays together. There’s more than one way to be a family, and who is married to who doesn’t seem to be nearly as important as I thought back in my twenties when I got married.
My mom, also named Donna, married HER first boyfriend in high school, Pete, after both of their spouses had passed. They were both in their late 50’s and like you, I was in my 20’s, and married with 2 kids at that point. Pete has a daughter who is a great person, but I too forget I have a step-sister and it’s always been odd calling her my step-sister. I LOVE Pete and he’s the only grandfather my four children have ever known on my side and he’s been an AMAZING grandfather. My mom passed 12 years ago but Pete keeps on trucking at 92 and he’s truly been a bright light in our lives❤️
I have (or had) a mini-version of your stepsibling experience. I've had a stepbrother for around 30 years who I've never actually forgotten about, but we've only seen each other a handful of times and up until last year we'd never had any meaningful contact. But a year ago this month, my Dad started having medical problems that were pretty obviously the beginning of the end. As my Dad's family is in Texas and I'm in Sweden and we have pretty limited contact, I wouldn't have even known this; and with COVID, I couldn't even travel there when I did find out. But my wonderful stepbrother got in touch, and over the coming month facilitated many, many FaceTime visits for my Dad and me. And in between, stepbro and I talked a lot about both practical and emotional matters. My Dad did ultimately pass, and I got detailed updates on the memorial service and all it entailed. My Dad's wife has always kept me updated via letters, but if it hadn't been for my stepbrother I wouldn't have had that precious personal time with my Dad in his final days. I'll always be grateful.
This is fascinating. I don’t have the exact same experience, but do have two step siblings I didn’t meet until I was an adult. I’m aware of their lives but don’t have personal contact with them and still say when I’m asked that I’m an only child.
We have a similar situation- my father remarried when he was in his seventies, and his wife had three grown children. My children were 4 and 7 at the time. I never felt that his wife was my stepmother, because I was already a grownup, although relations between us were always cordial enough. Because my mother is still alive, my boys never thought of Michiko as their grandmother, and she never really behaved that way either, although she was always very nice to them. Her three grown children and their kids were everything to her, which was fine. But one of her daughters -well into her twenties - latched onto my father, although her own father was still alive and involved. When my father died, I was there (in Texas, I live in Canada) and dealing with things. I discovered that the day after he died she had emailed his entire address book announcing that her father had died. I didn’t say anything- it was done, after all, and I had other things on my mind at the time, but I thought it quite outrageous, and it made my letters to relatives (none of whom knew her) a bit awkward…. In the intervening years, we've kept very sporadically in touch - Michiko has full-blown Alzheimer’s so any contact has been with the same daughter, who is her caretaker. Michiko's ex-husband died last year and the daughter was apparently devastated. Fortunately I don’t think he had any of my father's e-mail contacts on his list.
This is so similar to my husband's family where his dad had nine kids and remarried a divorced woman with five kids after his mom passed away? The only difference is that half the kids were grown, and half were still at home, so a few of the kids who were raised by both have a different connection to the step-family. We actually really like my husband's step-siblings, but they don't actually feel like family either. First of all, it's just too darn many people to keep track of, but the cultures are also pretty different, and their dad is also still alive--which also adds a different dynamic. It was kind of funny early on because I know my MIL really wanted the kids to be a Brady Bunch family (or at least the kids thought so). So, we would trade names for Christmas among my husband's family--not even thinking to include the step-siblings. And apparently, the step-siblings traded names among themselves too, but they also included traded the names of my husband's family--but never told us the assignments or anything, so it was really just for show to make their mom feel good. She's a pretty great grandma to my kids, and I have my own relationship with her and love her. However, I think sometimes she's unintentionally caused hurt feelings over the years by expecting the grown kids to call her mom and treating grandkids differently between the two families while expecting all the grandkids to treat her the same, when I think she would have probably done better in establishing relationships with grown children by not trying to be the mom and just being their dad's wife and acknowledging that it's a different type of relationship that can be loving and meaningful. Sometimes I think acknowledging that it's NOT the Brady Bunch is very healthy for everyone involved.
My mother remarried when I was in my 20’s and had already moved out. She and my father had divorced several years earlier. I also always referred to him as my mother’s husband, never stepfather, although I had more contact with him than my actual father, who I hadn’t seen since a chance meeting on the bus when I was 18. My stepfather was also in my wedding photos, although I didn’t have anyone "give me away"; my husband and I walked down the aisle together :) My stepfather had 3 grown daughters, from 2 previous marriages; one much older and with a family in Sweden, and two about the same age, in the same city. My sister and I never met any of them. His daughter and grandson in Sweden always kept in touch with him, and then with my mother after he died, until she too died years later. The two daughters in Canada didn’t come to their wedding and they didn’t come to his funeral. Needless to say, I have no idea what they’re doing.
I was summarizing this post to my husband and when I reminded me him that I too have step-siblings, he responded "huh, honestly forgot that's true for you too." My Dad remarried when I was in college and I gained three step-siblings, one of which I still have not met (they live in CO and I live in NY). The kids are younger than my brother and me so my dad was a very active figure in their lives and raised them for the last twelve years. I, on the other hand, would never think of his wife as my step-mother. It's very odd sharing a parent with strangers!
This resonates with me so much. My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's and both remarried in subsequent years. Both of their spouses have children that are much older than my siblings and me. Most of them I've never met; in fact, I don't even think I know all of their names. I certainly don't think of them as step-siblings, not out of any ill-will but just because they've never been a part of my life. I also didn't start referring to my mom's husband as my step-dad until recently, again, not out of any animosity but because I was an adult when my mom married him and I've never lived under the same roof as him. I've only started recently referring to him as my step-dad (and it's taken some getting used to) because my mom told me it would mean a lot to him.
My dad remarried when we were adults to someone with grown children. My brother embraced that family and while I loved his wife, I certainly never considered her children my brothers and sister. Both my dad and his wife have died and subsequently her daughter passed away. In the obituary, I am listed as her sister, (this, I think courtesy of my brother) and it comes up when you Google my name! I didn’t have any hard feelings towards that family, oh wait, up until they decided the daughter and subsequently her husband would be buried in the same plot as my dad and his wife, and they would remove and replace his head stone. The lovely stone his wife selected was replaced by a sparkly black granite Las Vegas-esque stone selected by the daughter’s brother in law, not even someone actually in their family! I had a lot of back-and-forth with the cemetery (Who wanted to give me the old stone 😬), and with the family, but finally gave up. just didn’t have room for that drama at the time.
So my parents got divorced when I was three. I have one full sister. After the divorce I didn't see or speak to my bio dad for 15 years. I lived with my mom and since bio dad didn't make contact, he lost his parental rights and when my mom got remarried, my step-dad adopted me and my sister and they had four more kids. In my heart I'm the oldest of six. My adoptive dad died when I was 17 and mom has since remarried again, so I have two step-sisters. As an adult (30 at the time) I did go and visit my bio-dad and his wife and their four grown children. All told I have 11 siblings, but like you, I'm not a huge fan of ....several of them. 😅
My dear and very loved Grandmother has been married three times, due to her spouses passing away young. Her current, third husband, shares her story of being with his third spouse due to the previous two passing away as well. She has three biological children, he has three biological children, and both of their second spouses each had three of their own children so between the two of them they share 12 children. It is confusing and I admit I'm a bit like you- I don't keep track of the stepsiblings (my aunts and uncles, technically), and I definitely don't keep track of their kids or grandkids. My Grandma wishes I would call her third husband Grandpa, but I was an adult when they got married and like you, the role of Papa was beautifully filled by her late second husband for me, and her current husband just can't fill that hole for me (although he is definitely Great Grandpa to my children!). Funny story: I had a friend growing up who I knew from going to church with my Grandma....that friend is now technically my cousin, because her mom is the step-daughter of my Grandma's third/current husband....ha!
I have a stepsister that I’ve known almost my whole life but she and my stepmom were really terrible to me growing up so I never really bonded with her. She’s only 11 months younger than me and we went to the same college at the same time. I have a funny memory of running into her while out with some friends who also knew her and they asked how we knew each other and we had to explain that her mom was married to my dad. We’re friendly and are connected on social media but I wouldn’t say we’re friends. I wasn’t invited to her wedding, I probably wouldn’t invite her to mine should I get married. She and her mom both have realized that they were terrible to me and apologized and I’m happy about that but I don’t seek them out for any type of relationship. Also, another side story, they didn’t feel the need to tell me when my grandfather died, I move around a lot and I wasn’t living anywhere near and admit that I was pretty bad with checking in on him, but I hadn’t heard anything about him in a while so I had to awkwardly ask if he was still alive and got, “oh no, he’s been gone for a while now” “oh, okay, so was anyone going to tell me or my siblings?!” And then I had to tell my siblings and mom that he had passed. Families are weird and complicated.
Ohh, yes. My parents divorced when I was 30 and my father remarried a few years later. Each had 2 grown children, hers with grandkids, me and my brother without. My father and his wife tried as hard as they could to make us ‘one big happy family’ as though neither they or us had ever had a previous life. My ‘you’re not my step-mom’ also had a huge family- 3 married brothers with kids, grandkids etc. I have a cousin on my Dad’s side who is/was very close, my Dad was like a substitute Dad to her. As you can guess, it never really worked out, though we all really tried to go along with it (unlike a lot of other comments here). My step-brother and I did not get along, my step-sister and I became new besties for years. The going got rough as the old folks aged. My brother and I stepped in to care for our Dad since his wife was NOT interested in caregiving and ceased to be interested once he wasn’t fun anymore. She actually was psychologically abusive. Turns out my brother had hated her from day one but never said anything. My ‘step-sister’ who lived the closest maintained her 1x a week afternoon visit no matter what. My brother died unexpectedly. I ended up spending 1/2 time at my home and 1/2 time at my Dad’s so he would have company and someone watching out for him (he has since passed). My step-brother turned out to be a mensch and very helpful. So with my generation it all switched (based on values I guess). Close with step-brother, barely communicate with former ‘bestie’ step-sister. Immediately after my Fathers death, my ‘you’re not my step-mother’ hired outside lawyers and tried to ‘adjust’ my Fathers will. I was patient and the executors deaIt with it. It took 4 years, but she lost. We have not spoken since a month after he died and never will again. She is still alive. It is in trust, but I also own half the house they shared. Really not looking forward to dealing with that when the time comes. Mostly, I miss my bother and Dad.
My husband’s father remarried when my husband was in his late twenties and his dad totally dumped him and his brother as neither I nor my sister-in-law were able to have kids, but his new step-children did. The grandkids of his new step-kids became his life and he never really bothered with his two biological sons again. My husband hasn’t spoken to him in many years. It’s a very sad situation as it is, but his behaviour really did make it worse for us as we felt so inadequate. Needless to say this will never be a blended family!
My parents divorced when I was in my early 20’s. My dad remarried a woman several years later with 9 (adult) children from previous marriages. I have never met them and I highly doubt I’ll ever have a relationship with any of them. Like you, I rarely even remember they exist. A few years ago, one of them was going for a security clearance for their job and requested birthdates and social security numbers as I was listed as a sibling on the person’s application. I had to respond back to my dad’s wife that I wasn’t a sibling, that I had never even met or even spoken to the person applying and would not be providing that info. She got offended that I wasn’t willing to help “family”. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, I so appreciate you opening up about this topic! As someone with nine siblings, I have enough trouble keeping track of them and their families now that we are all adults. The four stepsisters I gained when I was in my forties are perfectly fine people but I don’t think of them as my siblings—I tend to think of them as my mom’s husband’s kids. There was some wishful thinking on my mom’s part that we would all merge into a big(ger) family when they married, but logistically that’s just impossible unless we rent out a convention hall or something. Age (they were in their 30s and 40s as well) and proximity (I don’t live nearby my step siblings) probably played a role, too.
But my own oldest child is technically my former stepson, as his dad and I married when he was a toddler and then we divorced after 22 years together. He’s still my kid and he’s still my other two kids’ brother. We are fortunate that our divorce was amicable and we can all celebrate birthdays and holidays together. There’s more than one way to be a family, and who is married to who doesn’t seem to be nearly as important as I thought back in my twenties when I got married.
My mom, also named Donna, married HER first boyfriend in high school, Pete, after both of their spouses had passed. They were both in their late 50’s and like you, I was in my 20’s, and married with 2 kids at that point. Pete has a daughter who is a great person, but I too forget I have a step-sister and it’s always been odd calling her my step-sister. I LOVE Pete and he’s the only grandfather my four children have ever known on my side and he’s been an AMAZING grandfather. My mom passed 12 years ago but Pete keeps on trucking at 92 and he’s truly been a bright light in our lives❤️