In this newsletter: My thoughts on the weekend's news about Russell Brand, and why I assume every man who hates women in his work, also hates women in his private life.
You are absolutely 100% correct. One thing about Howard Stern. He has apologized. Profusely. In the past few years he has looked back at his behavior and seems genuinely appalled with himself. Don’t you wish more men would do that? It would help a teeny tiny bit.
Remember when he wrote the book and his movie came out? At that time, I felt so sorry for his first wife. I couldn't understand how she reconciled what he did/talked about on the radio and her life with him. It would have been a hard no from me. The things people (HS not his wife necessarily) will do with, and for, fame (and power) is truly mind-bending.
I think it has a lot to do with being attracted to power. These men are attracted to being powerful and dominant, and society has told them women are easier dominate and have control over. They see women as things.
I could not agree with you more. And I find it depressing and very sad that he recently received a standing ovation. The women he assaulted are receiving the exact opposite :-(
I'm listening to MONSTERS by Claire Dederer and it's unpacking this very topic. It's also making me face realities we grew up with (being of a certain age) and how the label artistic genius is widely applied to men, by men. So far she's discussed Polanski, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, Picasso, Woody Allen, and I'm only 3 hours in. Re: Stern, I believe he's gotten LOTS of therapy around his behavior and I heard one apology where he labeled himself as a narcissist and said having daughters he wanted to have meaningful relationships with, he had to do A LOT of work. So there's a bit of a difference. Can we forgive more of past behavior if acknowledgement and self-work (and some self-loathing) are present? After all, they grew up with the paradigms too. I can't answer that. I suspect it's an individual decision we each face in our own time.
1. Definitely have to check out Monsters, thank you for sharing, and 2. You offer a very pointed question for reflection. These comments are making my brain work very hard today!
I'm sincerely happy to hear Stern has talking about working hard to become better. I believe people can change and become better; I believe in the idea of repentance. Though my understanding of repentance is a very specific thing that involves admitting you're wrong, asking forgiveness, and making restitution. I have a hard time imagining that Stern could make true restitution to the people he has harmed, and also maintain his wealth, status, and platform.
When you say “and still the men Don’t believe her”. I think the actual problem is that they DO believe the women. They know what men do. They know how men behave. They know how they have behaved, and they will spread lie after lie to protect each other in their bad behavior.
I wanted to comment on your remarks about Howard Stern. I am not arguing against what you said...years ago I tried to listen to his radio show a few times after hearing raves from my stepson. I had the same reaction you did...everything I heard was vile, and I couldn’t listen to such disgusting talk.
Surprisingly, he happens to have grown daughters, and is married to a very wonderful woman who runs a charitable organization that rescues cats, cares for them and places them with families. I adopted 2 cats from her right before the pandemic started and met her when we picked up the cats.
I can’t reconcile the way her husband talks about women on the radio with his relationship with his wife Beth...it is a mystery to me. Just wanted to tell you about this...I am choosing to believe that his radio persona is very different than his real persona, although I personally wouldn’t be able to accept it. I think the misogyny on his program does much damage to those who listen and ascribe to those views.
Thanks for this! I felt the same way about Matt Lauer. I used to watch the Today show when my babies were infants and he was co-host - up early, bored between feedings etc. He was always so rude to Ann Curry and then one day I saw him "interview" Sandra Bullock. Whatever he did turned me off so much I never watched it again. I think we have a radar about awful men but we override those feelings with false rationales. Russell Brand always seemed so smug and self-important that none of this surprises me.
Yaaasssss to Matt Lauer! I watched the show for years, but I remember when they let Ann Curry go. It was so strange: she was crying and apologizing, there was no recap of her great career and Lauer’s dismissive attitude seemed so strange. I moved on to another morning show and soon the reports on Lauer came out. I always questioned my radar on that, but it’s always correct. You confirmed it for me today as well, glad to know I wasn’t the only one.
David Bowie slept with 14 year olds. Steven Tyler petitioned the parents of the teenager he was sleeping with for custody, so that he could legally take her over state lines. The members of Led Zeppelin and Vanilla Fudge tied a girl to the bed and then raped her with a dead fish, and Frank Zappa thought it was so hilarious he wrote a song about it. The Oldies airwaves are filled with people who would be arrested today (and should have been, in the 70s).
Thank you for writing this one, Gabrielle. I too cannot stop thinking about RB and had the now deflating thought, “of course.” (I work in the entertainment industry so I’ve always had the dubious honor of knowing before it goes public.) I am gloriously middle aged with x ray vision about a lot of life experiences, but aiming that knowledge beam towards men has been bringing me low more than I would like. It has now gone past the personal and into every man I encounter, yes all men. They are the ones who created the toxic stew we are all forced to swim in, and a few good ones are not enough to help keep us afloat. I’m angry a lot of the time. Howard Stern and his disgusting media empire (whether he’s an active abuser or not) is a perfect example of why misogyny is so dangerous to us all. I think he’d argue that it is all a complex and long running act intended to poke fun and be ridiculous, but as we know that ONLY MAKES IT WORSE AND DANGEROUS for women and therefore the world. What the f are these men afraid of? Ugh. Appreciate your time and writing on this.
Re: Howard Stern, I’ve read more than once that his wife is the dominant partner. No idea if that’s true, but make of it what you will.
Re Russell Brand, Americans might not have seen the Times and Sunday Times story (London, not NY) but the journos don’t just have the “receipts,” they have the text messages where -- in the case of the woman who went to the rape crisis center -- she texts him “you raped me,” and he answers, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Not “what are you talking about, it was consensual.” It’s just a horrible story and more women are coming forward. Brand doesn’t just want to be an influencer, he wants to be a cult leader, IMO, so I hope this nips *that* in the bud.
I too have heard people say Howard Stern is a great interviewer. It’s reminds me of people saying that Playboy publishes great writing. Maybe there are some quality interviews in there, but are they SO GOOD that a listener/reader can look past the objectification of women they’re built upon? Or do the “good” interviews just give folks plausible deniability to also consume the woman-objectifying material that they’re wrapped in?
To your point about rock stars of the 80s, I’m thinking of the interview the NYT published last week with Rolling Stone co-founder Jann Webber, who just published a book called “The Masters” featuring interviews with seven musicians who are all white men. He didn’t include a single Black artist or woman in the book. When asked why, he said that Black musicians were “just not in my zeitgeist,” and “Insofar as the women, just none of them were as articulate enough on this intellectual level.” This is the co-founder of Rolling Stone AND the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! He’s the very definition of a gatekeeper! No wonder racism and misogyny are rampant in the industry.
Thank you so much for your genius- getting to the point of Misogyny..! I think we women have to encourage to change .. so that women recognize Misogyne .. Blindfolded!! And that women stop with putting up with being abused .. so that a strong WORLD WIDE NETWORK is establishing to implement the fight against Misogyny.. in Germany: Band Rammstein is getting away with Droging and Raping women !!! In Austria a Pedophilie Teichtmeister Actor for FREE only 2 years on Perol !!! It is I sane ! So your genius Writing is SUPER IMPORTANT and ESSENTIAL to bring Awareness Acceptance and ACTION to stop and implement strong Boundaries against Misogyny..!
Thank you for this. Love how you don't tip-toe around difficult topics. As a wife, mother, sister and daughter surrounded by hetero men I think about this All. The. Time. Sometimes ("binders full of women," #metoo, la manada when we lived in Spain) it's been really painful to feel empathy for all my men, because even if we accept that hetero masculinity is "challenging" it's got nothing on the experience of identifying as female.
Years ago I read somewhere that if men are struggling to figure out if how they're treating a woman is "appropriate," they can use this simple litmus test: "Would you do / say that to The Rock?" The answer quickly becomes obvious : )
"It's quite apparent that America is leading the world in change."
Umm...wtf. Can I curse on here? No. A thousand times no.
Is that required to have an informed opinion?
"The USA far and away exceeds in every way the changes that need to happen in the world."
This seems like such a bizarre thing to claim, and so easily refuted. Do you have data informing this view? Or is this just a feeling you have?
You are absolutely 100% correct. One thing about Howard Stern. He has apologized. Profusely. In the past few years he has looked back at his behavior and seems genuinely appalled with himself. Don’t you wish more men would do that? It would help a teeny tiny bit.
Remember when he wrote the book and his movie came out? At that time, I felt so sorry for his first wife. I couldn't understand how she reconciled what he did/talked about on the radio and her life with him. It would have been a hard no from me. The things people (HS not his wife necessarily) will do with, and for, fame (and power) is truly mind-bending.
This is a very interesting idea-- how the term heterosexual is too broad. I hadn't considered that before.
I think it has a lot to do with being attracted to power. These men are attracted to being powerful and dominant, and society has told them women are easier dominate and have control over. They see women as things.
I could not agree with you more. And I find it depressing and very sad that he recently received a standing ovation. The women he assaulted are receiving the exact opposite :-(
I'm listening to MONSTERS by Claire Dederer and it's unpacking this very topic. It's also making me face realities we grew up with (being of a certain age) and how the label artistic genius is widely applied to men, by men. So far she's discussed Polanski, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, Picasso, Woody Allen, and I'm only 3 hours in. Re: Stern, I believe he's gotten LOTS of therapy around his behavior and I heard one apology where he labeled himself as a narcissist and said having daughters he wanted to have meaningful relationships with, he had to do A LOT of work. So there's a bit of a difference. Can we forgive more of past behavior if acknowledgement and self-work (and some self-loathing) are present? After all, they grew up with the paradigms too. I can't answer that. I suspect it's an individual decision we each face in our own time.
1. Definitely have to check out Monsters, thank you for sharing, and 2. You offer a very pointed question for reflection. These comments are making my brain work very hard today!
I'm sincerely happy to hear Stern has talking about working hard to become better. I believe people can change and become better; I believe in the idea of repentance. Though my understanding of repentance is a very specific thing that involves admitting you're wrong, asking forgiveness, and making restitution. I have a hard time imagining that Stern could make true restitution to the people he has harmed, and also maintain his wealth, status, and platform.
Thank you for talking about this.
When you say “and still the men Don’t believe her”. I think the actual problem is that they DO believe the women. They know what men do. They know how men behave. They know how they have behaved, and they will spread lie after lie to protect each other in their bad behavior.
I wanted to comment on your remarks about Howard Stern. I am not arguing against what you said...years ago I tried to listen to his radio show a few times after hearing raves from my stepson. I had the same reaction you did...everything I heard was vile, and I couldn’t listen to such disgusting talk.
Surprisingly, he happens to have grown daughters, and is married to a very wonderful woman who runs a charitable organization that rescues cats, cares for them and places them with families. I adopted 2 cats from her right before the pandemic started and met her when we picked up the cats.
I can’t reconcile the way her husband talks about women on the radio with his relationship with his wife Beth...it is a mystery to me. Just wanted to tell you about this...I am choosing to believe that his radio persona is very different than his real persona, although I personally wouldn’t be able to accept it. I think the misogyny on his program does much damage to those who listen and ascribe to those views.
Thanks for this! I felt the same way about Matt Lauer. I used to watch the Today show when my babies were infants and he was co-host - up early, bored between feedings etc. He was always so rude to Ann Curry and then one day I saw him "interview" Sandra Bullock. Whatever he did turned me off so much I never watched it again. I think we have a radar about awful men but we override those feelings with false rationales. Russell Brand always seemed so smug and self-important that none of this surprises me.
Yaaasssss to Matt Lauer! I watched the show for years, but I remember when they let Ann Curry go. It was so strange: she was crying and apologizing, there was no recap of her great career and Lauer’s dismissive attitude seemed so strange. I moved on to another morning show and soon the reports on Lauer came out. I always questioned my radar on that, but it’s always correct. You confirmed it for me today as well, glad to know I wasn’t the only one.
David Bowie slept with 14 year olds. Steven Tyler petitioned the parents of the teenager he was sleeping with for custody, so that he could legally take her over state lines. The members of Led Zeppelin and Vanilla Fudge tied a girl to the bed and then raped her with a dead fish, and Frank Zappa thought it was so hilarious he wrote a song about it. The Oldies airwaves are filled with people who would be arrested today (and should have been, in the 70s).
Thank you for writing this one, Gabrielle. I too cannot stop thinking about RB and had the now deflating thought, “of course.” (I work in the entertainment industry so I’ve always had the dubious honor of knowing before it goes public.) I am gloriously middle aged with x ray vision about a lot of life experiences, but aiming that knowledge beam towards men has been bringing me low more than I would like. It has now gone past the personal and into every man I encounter, yes all men. They are the ones who created the toxic stew we are all forced to swim in, and a few good ones are not enough to help keep us afloat. I’m angry a lot of the time. Howard Stern and his disgusting media empire (whether he’s an active abuser or not) is a perfect example of why misogyny is so dangerous to us all. I think he’d argue that it is all a complex and long running act intended to poke fun and be ridiculous, but as we know that ONLY MAKES IT WORSE AND DANGEROUS for women and therefore the world. What the f are these men afraid of? Ugh. Appreciate your time and writing on this.
Re: Howard Stern, I’ve read more than once that his wife is the dominant partner. No idea if that’s true, but make of it what you will.
Re Russell Brand, Americans might not have seen the Times and Sunday Times story (London, not NY) but the journos don’t just have the “receipts,” they have the text messages where -- in the case of the woman who went to the rape crisis center -- she texts him “you raped me,” and he answers, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Not “what are you talking about, it was consensual.” It’s just a horrible story and more women are coming forward. Brand doesn’t just want to be an influencer, he wants to be a cult leader, IMO, so I hope this nips *that* in the bud.
Yes, and it's maddening that there are people acting like these are some sort of casual accusations.
I too have heard people say Howard Stern is a great interviewer. It’s reminds me of people saying that Playboy publishes great writing. Maybe there are some quality interviews in there, but are they SO GOOD that a listener/reader can look past the objectification of women they’re built upon? Or do the “good” interviews just give folks plausible deniability to also consume the woman-objectifying material that they’re wrapped in?
To your point about rock stars of the 80s, I’m thinking of the interview the NYT published last week with Rolling Stone co-founder Jann Webber, who just published a book called “The Masters” featuring interviews with seven musicians who are all white men. He didn’t include a single Black artist or woman in the book. When asked why, he said that Black musicians were “just not in my zeitgeist,” and “Insofar as the women, just none of them were as articulate enough on this intellectual level.” This is the co-founder of Rolling Stone AND the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! He’s the very definition of a gatekeeper! No wonder racism and misogyny are rampant in the industry.
I've been following the story on Jann Webber and it's so gross and infuriating.
Honestly having watched him on tv in my 20s (2000s) not surprised at all, he just came across as a man I would not want to be alone with.
Thank you so much for your genius- getting to the point of Misogyny..! I think we women have to encourage to change .. so that women recognize Misogyne .. Blindfolded!! And that women stop with putting up with being abused .. so that a strong WORLD WIDE NETWORK is establishing to implement the fight against Misogyny.. in Germany: Band Rammstein is getting away with Droging and Raping women !!! In Austria a Pedophilie Teichtmeister Actor for FREE only 2 years on Perol !!! It is I sane ! So your genius Writing is SUPER IMPORTANT and ESSENTIAL to bring Awareness Acceptance and ACTION to stop and implement strong Boundaries against Misogyny..!
Drugs .. sorry typo .. Drogen ( German ) Drugs .. Drugging .. apologies
Thank you for this. Love how you don't tip-toe around difficult topics. As a wife, mother, sister and daughter surrounded by hetero men I think about this All. The. Time. Sometimes ("binders full of women," #metoo, la manada when we lived in Spain) it's been really painful to feel empathy for all my men, because even if we accept that hetero masculinity is "challenging" it's got nothing on the experience of identifying as female.
Years ago I read somewhere that if men are struggling to figure out if how they're treating a woman is "appropriate," they can use this simple litmus test: "Would you do / say that to The Rock?" The answer quickly becomes obvious : )