Straight Men Acting Like They Think Gay Sex is Gross is Not Believable

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We Know Men Love Seeing Other Men’s Penises & Erections

Straight men acting like they think gay sex is gross is not believable. We know men love seeing other men’s penises and erections. This may seem like a statement that surprises you, but consider this: in porn designed for straight men, semen coming out of a penis is literally the “money shot.” Getting to see another man climax is the climax of the story for the straight male viewer. Men really like penises, both their own, and other people’s.

Another factor that reflects the idea of straight men pretending they think gay sex is gross, is straight men’s interest (obsession?) in anal sex. Based on hundreds (thousands?) of pieces of media, we know quite definitively that many men really like to put their penises in anuses.

The first time I noticed that straight men’s interest in anal sex had become mainstream, was when watching The Kingsmen. In the movie, there’s a Swedish princess whom the main character, Eggsy, a straight man, wants to have sex with. She also wants to have sex with him, but she doesn’t want to have anal sex. He is very disappointed. Happily for Eggsy, once he has saved the world and is a hero, the Swedish princess gives in to his request for anal sex. I guess the idea is that he’s earned the ultimate prize of anal sex. How is anal sex the ultimate prize? Because again, men really like to put their penises in anuses.

(In another newsletter, perhaps we can discuss why the princess likely had very good and very real reasons for not wanting to have anal sex, and how disturbing it is that the hero had no interest in asking why she didn’t want to, didn’t want to consider what the experience of anal sex might be like for her, and was only satisfied if the princess was pressured into doing something that he knew she did not want to do.)

I suppose the interest in anal sex has always existed for straight men, but the interest didn’t seem to get any media attention until the last decade or so. Or if it did, I had never noticed it. It’s easy to imagine that as our culture has integrated gay couples and gay marriage — both implying the existence of anal sex — that straight men have become more comfortable acknowledging their own interest in anal sex and writing it into movies and articles and TV shows.

To be clear, I am totally fine if men want to enjoy/celebrate other men’s penises. So why do I bring this up? Because being “grossed out” by gay sex, is a recurring justification that straight men use for why they hate gay men and gayness. But as we’ve just discussed, it’s not believable that they are actually grossed out by gay sex.

If it’s not the gay sex, then why do they hate gay men so much? Why all the homophobia?

Fear & Hatred of Gay Men is Based on Fear & Hatred of Women

May I humbly suggest it’s actually misogyny? That their fear and hatred of gay men is based on their fear and hatred of women? I know I’m not the first person to note this, but I’ve just observed it so much lately that I wanted to write down my thoughts.

It’s not men being gay that bothers them, it’s men being feminine. It’s men reminding them of women — with their voice, or the way they walk, or their hand gestures, or their clothing, or their interests. If you hate women, seeing a man “behaving like a woman” apparently triggers all the same hate responses.

In fact, if all gay men presented as stereotypically masculine, I don’t believe homophobia would exist. A straight man learning that his co-worker is attracted to men, would think: I get it. Penises are great and what man doesn’t love anal sex? And then move on with his life without needing to give it further thought.

In a related hypothetical, if gay men didn’t exist, but lesbians did exist, I don’t think our country would have made any progress toward lesbian rights. I think the straight men who run our world would be incapable of considering lesbian rights seriously. When told there are women who are only attracted to other women, and only enjoy sex with other women, the men would respond with some variation of: That doesn’t sound real. Clearly these women have not had sex with a man like me before. And it’s common for women not to enjoy sex, nothing unusual about that, my own wife hates sex. But I do like imagining women having sex together as long as I get to observe. I’m not threatened by this “lesbianism”, and I’m not worried about it, but obviously it’s not something I’m going to take seriously. Women want the right to marry each other? That’s silly. Of course that’s not possible.

Lesbians not being able to marry would get chalked up as just another crappy thing about being a women. (And that’s only if lesbianism was even acknowledged by the men in charge as being a real thing.)

When we look at pro-queer policies that have been implemented, like nationwide gay marriage, it sure seems like it was accomplished by sending the most straight-seeming gay men to present their cause in Washington. Those straight-seeming gay men seemed so darn straight that the straight men politicians were willing to listen to them, to acknowledge their issues, and conclude: We’re not so different. Penises are great and what man doesn’t love anal sex?

If the gay community had sent only flamboyantly effeminate gays to DC, would they have accomplished the same progress?

Along those lines, Pete Buttigieg can run for President and the straight men don’t seem bothered, because even though he is gay, Pete seems straight. How about Pete’s husband? Would straight men be bothered if Chasten, who has apparently taken on the role of “supportive wife, and doting mother,” ran for office?

There is Nothing More Offensive to Cis Men Than the Existence of Trans Women

We can see this hatred of women masquerading as hatred of gay men really clearly when we look at responses to trans women and trans men. In our culture, there is little to no pushback from cis men against trans men. I don’t mean to imply that trans men have it easy, just that when there are political fights about things like bathrooms and sports, trans women are the focus. Partially, I think it’s because in our society it’s easier for trans men to present as cis men — our cultural indicators of masculinity are pretty straightforward. A person with a beard who is wearing clothing from the men’s department is perceived to be a man, even if they have a small physical stature, or a higher voice. We all know cis men who are petite or not muscle-y and we never doubt they are men.

Beyond that, I think cis men don’t push back against trans men because cis men seem to think Freud’s “penis-envy” is a real thing. They believe men are the most superior beings. They can see that being a man puts you at the top of the social order. Who wouldn’t want to be a man? So to them, the existence of trans men makes logical sense.

Now compare that to the response to trans women. There is nothing more offensive to cis men than the existence of trans women. Here is a person who was born with a penis, who is at the top of the social order, who can get better jobs and promotions, who can earn more money, who can be in charge of things, who can be bigger and stronger. And they want to reject all of that? They don’t want their penis anymore? But what could be better than having a penis?!!

And even worse in the mind of a cis man, they’re rejecting the option of living life as a man, in order to be a disgusting, horrible creature — a woman [said with a shudder].

It’s unfathomable to a cis men. Why would anyone choose to be a woman? Women are objects of pity and shame. Women are weak and whiny and dumb and fake. They lie and they bleed every month and they’re basically just a set of holes, and the only thing they are good for beyond screwing is being a servant — cleaning, cooking, child-rearing, laundry, etc.. What could be worse than being a woman?

They hate trans women, because they hate all women.

They’re going to hate women no matter what, but a woman who knows what it was like to live life as a man and rejected that? Well I suppose that’s just too much for a cis man’s brain to comprehend.

Do I think all cis men hate women in the way I described above? Weak and whiny and dumb, etc.? No. I know that all cis men do not think that way about women. But I can also say, that because we live in a patriarchy, all cis men know that women are considered the weaker sex, that women are treated as second-class citizens, that women have less rights (and depending on the color of their skin, they may have even less rights than other women). And not just cis men, everybody knows that’s the reality for women. Which means that it’s no surprise that even a cis man who doesn’t outright hate women, would still think it’s better to be a man; that being a woman is a net negative.

Misogyny is the Root Problem

Because women are second-class citizens, any behaviors or aspects associated with women are also second-class. Our culture teaches that femininity itself is wrong and bad. It’s confusing, because we also require femininity — we tell women they must act a certain way and then we hate them for acting that way. We pressure women to look a certain way at work — feminine clothing, makeup, manicure, jewelry — then tell them they can’t be promoted because they don’t appear competent enough. Meaning they don’t seem manly enough for the increased responsibility. We limit the sports they can play, then tell them we can’t take their athleticism seriously, because they are playing “women’s sports” which are a lesser version of “regular sports” (regular = men’s sports). We insist on femininity, and then treat women poorly, justifying the poor treatment because they aren’t feminine enough. Even if they are the “right amount” of feminine, we still treat them poorly because it turns out we treat femininity itself as a bad thing.

Until we deal with the misogyny in our culture, the advances we make in pro-queer rights and policies will be limited. This is true on a government level, but also in businesses and organizations and churches.

Every time you encounter an instance of homophobia, remember: that person hates women too. And that’s true even if the person doling out the homophobia is a woman.

Internalized misogyny is very real — as demonstrated by so many of my fellow white women consistently voting against our own best interests.

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Two Other Sort-of Related Thoughts

1- If you have any doubt that trans women are women, consider that trans women know themselves to be women so deeply and so surely, that even though they grew up in the same patriarchal world as you and I, and know first-hand all the advantages of living life as a man, and know how hated women are by men, they are willing to give it all up, in order to live life as themselves.

2- I think we need a new category of sexuality for straight men who hate women. I’m thinking of straight men who say they are attracted to women but seek to shame and denigrate and abuse women with every interaction, who get turned on by women being beaten, choked, tortured, and humiliated. Why does that get lumped in with heterosexuality? They aren’t actually attracted to women, they are attracted to violence and hate against women. It feels like it needs another name.

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That’s all for now. I hope you have a wonderful week. If you’re reading from the US, I hope you are getting an Independence Day holiday from work. Feel free to comment on anything I mentioned above, or whatever’s on your mind.

kisses,
Gabrielle