Corruption and Power: Who Gets Ignored, Who Gets Believed
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I just finished watching the 4th and final installment of the Allen v. Farrow documentary on HBO. The whole series is incredibly well done and each installment left me deep in thought about corruption and power, about who gets ignored, who gets believed.
In the 4th installment, there are some statistics I can’t get out of my head, and they surround the concept of parental alienation. In an earlier episode, we’re introduced to what “Parental Alienation” is, and to the doctor who put forth the idea. Parental alienation is the claim that in some families, one parent will try to turn the children against the other parent, by making up stories about abuse and coaching their kids to tell the made-up stories.
The doctor’s ideas about parental alienation were not peer reviewed, he conducted no studies. The whole concept was simply the thoughts of a man who believed pedophilia is no big deal, and who wanted to “normalize” it. The doctor was discredited in his lifetime. The ideas behind parental alienation were debunked. But the damage was already done. The concept of parental alienation (even though it’s junk!) is now used extensively in our family courts. It’s brought up every day as a defense.
The documentary shared this disturbing statistic: In 98% of cases, when accused fathers claimed Parental Alienation, family courts did not accept the child abuse accusations as true. Remember folks, parental alienation is bunk, but also apparently a full-proof defense for any father accused of abuse.
More disturbing statistics from the documentary: Every year, custody courts require and estimated 58,000 children to have unsupervised contact or live with a parent who’s been accused of abuse. After being put in the custody of their alleged abuser, 88% of children reported new incidents of abuse.
In addition to damning the kids to further abuse, it also sows societal distrust in women, painting understandably protective mothers as hysterical, as people who should be ignored and not believed.
And why did parental alienation take root in our systems? Well, one big reason is because of the custody battle between Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. The suit was brought by Woody Allen, the parental alienation defense was irresponsibly used by his lawyers, and because of the high profile case, the concept of parental alienation was widely publicized and taken seriously. Since it’s so much easier to call women crazy, than it is to believe a trusted man could abuse their child, the idea spread like wildfire and has since damaged or permanently ruined thousands upon thousands of lives. Woody Allen didn’t win the custody battle (thank goodness), but his actions have caused immeasurable damage anyway.
It’s incredible to me to try and fathom the damage one powerful man can do. Woody Allen ruined his children’s lives. He blacklisted Mia Farrow putting a harpoon in her career. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Because of Woody Allen, 58,000 kids each year are forced into the care of their abusers, most going on to endure additional abuse. 58,000 instances of mothers who report the abuse, are gaslit, lied about, called fanatical, hysterical, and crazy for pointing out the abuse.
How exactly should a mother behave who has discovered her husband/boyfriend/significant other is abusing her child? Why wouldn’t she be hysterical? What should the natural response to child abuse be if not hysteria? Of course, if the mother is not hysterical about the abuse, then she’ll be perceived as uncaring; an unfit mother unconcerned that abuse is happening. She can’t win. She is condemned from the outset, no matter the outcome. And with the mother’s condemnation, her children are condemned as well; forced into the care of their abuser.
We are just beginning to grapple with this, with the damage one powerful man can do. I see it in storytelling lately — I watched it in the mini-series Big Little Lies. But we need to do more grappling. Whether or not you think Woody Allen abused his daughter, whether or not you think it’s unacceptable that at 58, Woody Allen courted his teenage stepdaughter, it’s a fact that Woody Allen took Mia Farrow to court for custody, and popularized the bunk theory of Parental Alienation, which has since caused pain and ruin for innumerable families.
What are other stories of this? Stories where we can see the corrupt actions of one person radiate damage? How can we hold these people accountable? What is an appropriate consequence for the damage Woody Allen has done?
The documentary is almost entirely focused on Dylan, but I found I was equally angry about what Woody Allen did to Soon-Yi. She was a teenager in high school when Woody started having sex with her (since she was underage, wouldn’t the correct term be rape?). He was in his late 50s at the time. He was the father of 3 of her siblings and essentially her step father. She had never had a boyfriend or kissed a boy. Mia Farrow found horrifically explicit photos of Soon-Yi at Woody Allen’s apartment that Woody had taken. Woody Allen was worried about the Soon-Yi story getting out, swore it was just a “fling” and a mistake, that he wasn’t in love with Soon-Yi and it was over. (I mean, WHAAATTTT? Was he under the impression that makes it sound reasonable?)
Not long afterwards, information about Woody Allen sexually abusing his daughter, Dylan, came out. So Woody decided to go public with his relationship with Soon-Yi. He knew it would be an effective distraction from talk about his abuse of Dylan. He figured his relationship with Soon-Yi was more palatable to the public, because Soon-Yi was now over 18 and in college.
He was 59 and in a serious 12-year long-term relationship with Mia Farrow while all this was happening.
It’s a horrific story.
When the news about his abuse of Dylan came out, Woody pushed hard on the idea that Mia Farrow was a scorned woman, jealous of Soon-Yi, her daughter.
Let's take a minute to think about every journalist and headline writer who ran with the Farrow-as-jealous-and-scorned-story. To mentally get there, those reporters would have to think the Soon-Yi + Woody Allen relationship was acceptable; was nothing to comment on.
Were there no reporters in the 90s who were parents? I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if I found disturbingly explicit photos of my child, which were shot by a man I trusted, who is in his late 50s; my child with no previous romantic relationship experience. And then further found out this man had been raping my child while she was still in high school.
I would want to kill this man, and I would do everything I possibly could think of to protect my child from this man. Would I feel hysterical about it? I’m certain that I would. But the reporters heard that Mia Farrow was jealous and scorned, and they felt that was the more likely story. More likely than Mia Farrow being rightfully pissed that Woody Allen was abusing her children.
This lines up so well with parental alienation accusations, where protective women are assumed to be hysterical and abusive men are rewarded with custody. It’s especially bizarre in this case because Woody Allen admitted openly that he was dating his stepdaughter, and had been with her even while she’d been underage. This wasn’t speculation, it was fact. The pornographic images Woody Allen took of Soon-Yi were a fact. And still, with these facts out in the open, it was easier for people to believe that the mother was hysterical, than it was to believe something that was public and well documented: Woody Allen, at age 59, had groomed his stepdaughter.
What in the world, reporters?! You should have leveled Woody Allen’s career to the ground with the Soon-Yi “it’s basically incest and definitely child abuse and grooming and child pornography” story. You didn’t need to wait for the outcome of the additional child abuse allegations. I find myself feeling angry at every single person who has ever talked about Mia Farrow as jealous and scorned. I wonder: Have any of those reporters apologized to Mia Farrow?
Do you have thoughts on the documentary? Do you have thoughts on those statistics about parental alienation?
Here are a few other things on my mind:
Nearly 1 in 3 people who contract COVID still experience symptoms after nine months. That’s such a shocking statistic. With the vaccine, we can see the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel, and I’m so grateful for it. But I don’t think we have any idea of the physical damage that will remain after the pandemic is gone. One of the common issues people are stuck with is an enduring loss of smell. Some people treat that as no big deal, but it would totally freak me out. Sensory loss is traumatic.
This article in the Atlantic about private schools. I have strong feelings about the importance of public schools and the article definitely confirms my bias. Honestly, I kept skimming and having to take breaks to roll my eyes, so I can’t even recommend it one way or another.
Please don’t donate to or support Operation Underground Railroad (OUR). This group was started by a Mormon (I’m LDS too), and has been heavily supported by Mormons, but it’s not a worthwhile group, and does more damage than good. It’s an example of fear mongering and white-savior-ing at its worst.
Want to add your thoughts? Comment below.
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I founded a podcast and organization about this very thing to help victims of this type of abuse (Betrayal Trauma Recovery). In fact, I just went through this exact thing, where the court believed my abuser instead of me, and he got more custody. It's so frustrating and sad, and even though I advocate for thousands of victims and understand this issue well, I still can't figure out how to beat it. At least not yet. But women, collectively are learning. We are figuring this out, and as a community of victims when one of us has an epiphany, all of us have an epiphany. It's heart wrenching and difficult on a daily basis, but it's also exciting to know that change seems to be on the way . . . Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this and highlight it.
Hell yes to not supporting OUR. From their historical appropriation to their “tough guys living out little boy fantasies”, it reeks of exploitation, white saviorism and greed. There are loads of legitimate human trafficking organizations that do far more than OUR.