I Remain Unimpressed by Men Who Become "Feminists" When They Have A Daughter
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Hey there! Happy November! In France, it is currently Fall Vacances, which means a two-week break from school. Today marks the second week of vacation, plus it’s an official holiday in France, which means this household of teens/tweens slept in today and it felt like such a luxury — especially the day after Halloween.
Speaking of Halloween, it’s not a huge holiday here (though I did see more decorations and Halloween-focused products in stores this year than I’ve ever seen before — so maybe it’s getting bigger?). We didn’t have any typical trick-or-treating, or Halloween parties to attend, but we had such a good time celebrating at home, dressing up in costumes, making chili, cornbread, and pumpkins cookies, and carving a jack-o-lantern. Here’s my Instagram post with our costumes if you’d like to see. (Based on comments, Ben Blair’s costume was the biggest hit this year.)
How was your Halloween? Are you ready to welcome November?
The Last Duel
We saw a movie at our tiny local theater the other day and I’ve been wanting to discuss it with you. It’s called The Last Duel, and it’s an absolute all-star block-buster — but I don’t know a single person I know in America who has seen it.
When I say all-star block-buster I mean it. The leads are Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Adam Driver, and Jodie Comer (of Killing Eve and Free Guy), and the acting is incredible. It was directed by Ridley Scott. The budget was $100 million, and you can tell — the sets are outstanding, and they did a remarkable job making you feel like it was really set in the 1300s. At one point, you can see Notre Dame in Paris being built in the background.
But I have seen exactly zero ads for the movie and haven’t heard it talked about on Twitter or anywhere else. And when I watched the trailer, it looked so unappealing and chaotic, I had no desire to see the movie. So it sort of feels like a secret movie?
Before I continue, I need to warn that the story of the movie is about rape, and includes lots of violence. Definitely not for kids. And if you need to skip this one, I totally understand.
As I mentioned, I haven’t seen any ads for this movie and wouldn’t even know it exists, expect that we were told by local friends that it was filmed nearby, during the summer before we moved back here. So that’s how we ended up seeing it. But I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s not just that the movie was filmed nearby, the story it’s based on — a true story — happened right where we live! In fact, our little town of Argentan, a town that many French people have never heard of, is mentioned in the film many times. Apparently in the 1300s, it wasn’t such a tiny place. Argentan was a seat of power! Other nearby towns are mentioned too, like Alençon (where we go to church). And Matt Damon’s character is called Jean de Carrouges, which we got a big kick out of because Chateau Carrouges (which would have been his property) has been one of our favorite picnic spots for years. It really was wonderful thinking about Argentan in the 1300s and what life would have been like back then.
But that’s not why I keep thinking about the movie. The story is about Marguerite de Carrouges (played by Jodie Comer), who is married to Jean de Carrouges (played by Matt Damon). Marguerite accuses Jacques le Gris (played by Adam Driver) of rape, and eventually Matt Damon’s and Adam Driver’s characters duel, by order of the King of France. Based on historical documents this duel actually happened and it’s one of the earliest court cases for which there are good records. In fact, the records remain in Paris and can still be researched. The book (also called The Last Duel) is based on those records, and the screenplay is based on the book.
The movie tells the story in three chapters. First, we see the story from Jean de Carrouges’s point of views. Next, we see the story from Jacques le Gris’ point of view. And last, we see the story from Marguerite’s point of view. As a viewer, you get to see the same scenes acted out via these different lenses, and seeing the subtle expression changes, and body language shifts, is remarkable.
I was told Matt Damon wrote the first chapter, Ben Affleck wrote the second chapter, and a woman, Nicole Holofcener wrote the third chapter. It’s all so well done — though admittedly really hard material to watch, and you will definitely come away from the movie hating every man who appears in it.
The thing that stood out to me the most, is that the rape case wasn’t treated much differently than a rape case is treated today. It comes down to he-said/she-said and the men are routinely given the benefit of the doubt, even when the woman has nothing to gain. Myths about rape and pregnancy, like: you can’t get pregnant from rape, were present then, and are still around today. It’s been 700 years since this event took place, and the amount of advances in the world are incalculable. But the way we approach rape, and rape trials, and discussions about rape, hasn’t really changed at all. Our societal thinking about rape is still medieval.
I see the same medieval thinking when I hear men say they finally understand feminist issues because they became the father of daughter. Oh really? You needed to have a daughter yourself before you could give a shit about other’s people’s daughters? It wasn’t enough to have a girlfriend/wife who you impregnated? That particular woman in your life wasn’t enough to make you a compassionate person? And it wasn’t enough that you grew in a woman’s womb and (with few exceptions) had a relationship with a woman, your mother, since you were born?
From my perspective, the only reason these men finally care when they have a daughter, is because outwardly or inwardly, they think of the daughter as one of their possessions. And the thought of someone messing with or damaging their possessions is what is bothersome to them.
This thinking comes out in the movie in overt ways. At one point a lawyer makes clear that the trial isn’t for or about Marguerite, it’s for Jean de Carrouges her husband. According to the law, he is the one who been hurt, because his property was used without his permission.
I hesitate to recommend the movie because the content is very triggering. And the violence of the duel, though accurate, was too much for me; I had to close my eyes until it was done. At the same time, I’d love to hear if you’ve seen it, and find out your thoughts. Again, I can’t stop thinking about it.
Office Hours Report
I am loving Design Mom Office Hours so much. The conversations are so good and interesting and I love to hear what’s on your mind. I really am up for talking about whatever you’d like. Some of topics that have been covered at recent meetings:
-Wet Room Bathrooms
-Digital waste
-Getting French Visas
-Creating a Family Identity
-Someone wanted to tell me what it’s like to have a spouse with the opposite political views
-What to do with an Awkward Room in a house
-How to Remake a Bedroom after a Divorce
-Work-Life-Balance
-Launching Online Classes
-Staying & Leaving Mormonism
-How to Interview Your Kids on a Regular Basis
-My Opinions on Toddler beds
-Establishing a Community
-Communicating with House Contractors
-Someone shared their Business Heartbreak
-Conflicts with Religion & Family
-How Content Creators Make Money
-Choosing a TV Room Rug
-The Community College Path
-Someone wanted to tell me What it’s like having Anti-vaxx Neighbors
If you’d like to set up your own meeting, here’s the Calendly link. And if you’d like more information about what Design Mom Office Hours is, here’s the blog post with the whole explanation — including information about scholarship meetings.
On Design Mom Lately
-Ten Fabulous French Souvenirs under $5.
Here Are A Few Things I’ve Wanted to Share With You
-Warning: The personal stories being shared in the replies and quote tweets of this are harrowing to read. We put women through so much unnecessary pain. I’m sure many of you have your own stories.
-A NYTimes investigation of how police officers routinely go unpunished after killing unarmed motorists.
-I was absolutely fascinated by the responses to this tweet about British people and “big lights”. (Big light = overhead light in a room.) Do you have strong feelings about big lights?
-What “let’s go Brandon” means and where it came from.
-I was fascinated by this read: Why are Instagram fashion brands selling the exact same clothes?
-The Boston Globe spent 3 months investigating a kind of violence that has spiked in America: Cars ramming protests. It’s happened over 139 times since the murder of George Floyd. Less than half of drivers faced charges.
-Still thinking about this short 4-tweet thread about child support and control. I hope you get a chance to read it.
-It's hard to overstate what a scam academic and scientific publishing is.
-Another related article: Is the staggeringly profitable business of scientific publishing bad for science?
-A report on the coordinated hateful attacks on Meghan Markle. There are 83 Twitter accounts that are responsible for approximately 70% of the negative and often hateful content about her. Bot Sentinel estimates that the accounts have a combined potential reach of at least 17 million Twitter users.
-This will make you angry: Kyle Rittenhouse illegally procured an AR-15 and then fatally shot two Black Lives Matter protesters. The judge in Rittenhouse's trial says lawyers cannot call the people he killed "victims,” but will let lawyers call them "rioters, looters or arsonists."
-From the Atlantic: American Parents Don’t Get How Much Life Is About to Improve.
-My dishtowels have become rags, and I’m looking for new ones. I prefer something sturdy and basic like these. Do you have a favorite type of dishtowel?
Feel free to share your thoughts in response to anything above. I hope you have a lovely start to the new week.
kisses,
Gabrielle
Hi! I'm just reading your newsletter from last week. My boyfriend and I saw The Last Duel a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to see it more than me, but I think it was just the medieval duel that intrigued him. I had no idea the subject was rape and thought it was a much better movie than I expected. I liked the differing POVs. And yes, all men in it were trash. I genuinely feared that Marguerite would die horribly. It's so sad that the world hasn't evolved that far on rape accusations after 700 years.
I loved the Last Duel. Definitely hated all of the men by the end. I saw it because I love Jodie, but I was surprised how much the movie as a whole affected me! I care zero percent about knights and fighting and medieval times, but I felt totally transported, and the final duel shook me to my core. It felt so brutal and real. And Jodie did an amazing job. It's unfortunate it's not doing so well at the box office.