How Do You Approach Forgiveness & Reconciliation?
Hey there. This is an essay I wrote in four years ago (with a few updates). I know this will be a challenging week for many people who are reading, and I want you to know that I’m still feeling so furious, and if you’re furious too, you’re not alone. If you’re tired of seeing horrible people do horrible things and get away with it, and you’re wishing you could see some accountability, again, you’re not alone. Maybe a discussion of what repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation should look like — for our political leaders, for our communities — can be part of your family gatherings this year.
The Five Steps of Repentance
No doubt every spiritual and moral practice has their own version of what repentance and forgiveness looks like. Here’s how repentance was taught to me as a Mormon. There are specific steps: 1) Recognize and admit to yourself you did something wrong. 2) Feel sincerely sorry about it. 3) Stop doing this wrong thing. 4) Admit publicly that you did wrong — especially to people who were affected by this thing you did wrong. 5) Make restitution for the thing you did wrong.
As a kid, this all seemed very straight forward. The only step that was particularly challenging to me was Step 4, because it was embarrassing, and I have a big ego. But otherwise, the approach seemed easy enough. As an adult, it’s Step 5 that is much less straightforward. A 9 year old who stole a candy bar from her brother’s room, can simply give it back or replace it in order to make restitution. But what does making restitution look like for grown-up wrongdoings? How do you properly make restitution for cheating on your spouse? For being racist? For masturbating in front of your coworkers? (If it helps, I find the word justice is more useful to me than restitution.) To quote Levar Burton: True reconciliation and healing can only come as a result of justice being served.