Did You Change Your Last Name? Would You Make The Same Decision Today?
I was surprised to read this stat in 2018 article: 70 percent of U.S. adults reported they believe a married woman should change her name, and half said it should be required by law. I’m going to repeat that last part: Half of Americans think women should be required by law to take their husband’s name. What? Like… what?
I’ve been going through life under the impression that more and more women were keeping their maiden names when they married. If you had asked me to guess the percentages of name-change-at-marriage, I would have said maybe it’s 50/50 by now on how many women change their name, and how many don’t. But I just looked up the real number and only 20% of women keep their maiden name. Then earlier this month, a feminist named Kimberly Atkins Stohr, who is in her forties and earned 3 post-graduate degrees, wrote an article about how she recently married and chose to change her name.
So obviously, I’m way off, and clearly I don’t have an understanding of how people are approaching this issue.
My own feelings about changing my name have certainly wandered over the (almost 26) years of my marriage, and have never completely settled. I remember originally deciding to change my name for several reasons:
1) I had grown up with a strong identity of what it meant to be a Stanley (my maiden name), and wanted that for my future kids. At the time, I assumed the best way to do that was to share a name with my husband.
2) Growing up, I didn’t love the way my first and last names sounded together: Gabrielle Stanley or Gabby Stanley. And I didn’t have a middle name to work with. But I did like the way Gabrielle sounded with Blair. (You may have noticed all the letters of Blair are found in Gabrielle.) And I knew I could use Stanley as a middle name so I didn’t have to completely give it up.
3) I didn’t really have good models or options on what to do name-wise beyond taking my husband’s name. The only other thing I’d heard of at age 21 in 1995 was hyphenating the two last names, and that didn’t appeal to me. It’s probably dumb, but at the time, my mind immediately went to the next generation. I pictured two people from hyphenated families getting married and having to deal with four names, and it seemed more complicated than I wanted. Though these days, I’m open to however couples decide to handle things name-wise.
4) I certainly liked the idea of keeping a maiden name as a feminist act, but it didn’t totally feel that way to me, since I would still have my father’s name. It seemed to me I would need to go back into my genealogy and find the the oldest surname of a woman in my line and use that, in order to truly feel like I was taking myself out of this patriarchal tradition.
After almost 26 years, I’m quite used to the name Blair by now. And those of you reading here, probably don’t know me by any other name. There are some times that I’m careful to use Gabrielle Stanley Blair (like on the cover of my book), and when I write my signature, I write GSBlair, but when I need to keep things succinct, I tend to drop Stanley.
All of this is generally fine with me, but I admit, every once in awhile, I still regret changing my name at all.
How about you? Does keeping a maiden name seem like a feminist action to you? Did you change your name when you got married? If yes, are you glad you did? Or do you have regrets? Do you remember the reasons you chose to change your name? If you haven’t married yet, but plan to, do you think you’ll change your name? For any lesbian couples reading, how did you decide to handle the name change (or the not-name change)? Does it feel like a different decision when it’s two women? And what does everyone think about that first stat I mentioned? Are you with the 50% of Americans that think it should be a law?
Oh. And what about your kids? If they marry, Do you hope they keep their maiden name?
P.S. — Name conversations make me think of Lauren Bush Lauren — the niece and granddaughter of two of our presidents, as well as the daughter-in-law of Ralph Lauren. I wonder if she ever had second thoughts about taking her husband’s surname. Lauren Lauren? There must have been a conversation or two, don’t you think? It reminds me of that scene in The Wedding Singer, where Adam Sandler’s character giggles about what Drew Barrymore’s new name would be after her wedding: Julia Gulia!
P.P.S. — My friend chose a new last name. Not her married name. Not her maiden name. Something totally new.
A Few Things I’ve Been Wanting to Share With You
-Are you following the #FreeBritney movement? I appreciated this op-ed: “Concocted mental health claims have been used throughout history, including in proceedings that carry the imprimatur of the courts, to sideline inconvenient women.”
-So troubled by the building collapse in Miami. I keep watching for an explanation. Why did it fall? What happened? How can we prevent this moving forward? I think I want answers because it will feel like we have control and can fix things. Or maybe they’ll discover it was just an unavoidable freak accident, and everything is horrible.
-Workers seized a McDonald’s in France and turned it into a food bank. It’s a neat story and I love how they rearranged the letters from the McDonald’s to spell “l’aprés M” or “After the M” — they used an upside down a to make an e. Clever.
-Hah! Here’s a good response to mansplaining:
-This is infuriating and I hope it’s reversed by a higher court. After a white farmer sued, a federal judge blocked $4 billion in aid for farmers of color who have historically been denied loans. For reference, I read that Black farmers were dispossessed of 90% of their land in the last 100 years, often by discriminatory USDA loan practices. Most land was transferred to white people.
-I wrote a Twitter thread this week about CRT and how I believe it’s being used to distract from making progress on real issues. If you’d like to read the thread (or the commentary in response), you can find it on Twitter, Instagram, or my blog.
-Related, this is such a good illustration of what I described in the thread.
-Very sobering. David Keene, a former NRA president, was asked to speak to James Madison Academy’s 2021 graduating class. But the school doesn't exist. Keene actually addressed 3,044 empty chairs representing teens who should have graduated, but were shot and killed.
-I appreciate this thought about parenting from Luvvie:
-The most delightful thread sharing how stories begin in dozens of languages. I’ll share the first two tweets from the thread, but click through to find 25+ more tweets.
Feel free to share your thoughts in response to anything above (name changes! or link list!). I hope you have a lovely weekend. I’ll be in touch again via newsletter next week.
kisses,
Gabrielle
Hi, I’m Gabrielle Blair and this is my newsletter. It’s completely free to access and read, but if you feel so moved to support my work, please consider a paid newsletter subscription: just $5/month or save money with the $50/annual sub. You can also go way above and beyond by becoming a Founding Member at $75. Not a fan of newsletters? You can support the work directly via Paypal or Venmo (@Gabrielle-Blair). Thank you! Seriously, thank you. Support from readers keeps this newsletter ad and sponsor-free.
I never cared for my maiden name, Davis, because I was always one of several in every grade. It’s like saying your favorite color is beige; no personality whatsoever. I also didn’t have a super close relationship with my dad so I figured, like you, that it was going to be a man’s name either way. At least I picked my husband so I was somewhat happy to take his name. His name is very long (it’s either Dutch or German) but when I tell it to people they say, “that’s a really cool name.” Now That I’ve been married longer than I was single, I feel like it’s my name too. I’m into family history so I’ve found a lot of info about his surname and I make sure my kids have pride in it. When my daughter got married a couple of years ago she took her husband’s name, partly to go from our 11-letter last name to a name that couldn’t be simpler: How.
Since we’re on the topic of names I just had my first name legally changed this week to my middle name, which is what I’ve gone by for years. I always hated my first name—Jennie-so I actually cried when I saw the judge’s signature on the court order. When I told my boss that I’m legally Hildie now (it’s actually Hildegard but I go by Hildie most of the time), my boss, who is trans said, “it’s like your a trans person finally getting the name that is right for them!” I guess that’s where I’m at these days: you should have the name that feels “right”; whether it’s your maiden name or married name or a completely different name altogether!
We got married in 1988, and I hyphenated my name because my dad only had daughters, and I didn't want my name to disappear. It's a 6 letter last name with a silent D, so it's confusing to people. My husband's name has TWELVE letters, so I now have a ridiculously long last name. If I had to do it over again, I would just keep my own last name. Hyphens are a pain when you're trying to book plane tickets, credit card issuers just decide what they want your name to be and send you a card, etc. And ohmygosh when I had to fill in bubble test forms in grad school??? Ugh. We just had our kids use my husband's last name, and I don't have any problems with that. I just didn't want to give up my own name.