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I was on Twitter this morning, and once again saw a woman being criticized for using curse words. It reminded me of a news story from a few years ago.
In 2019, Rep. Rashida Tlaib used a curse word when she referred to the then President. It was big news. In fact, that week, her cussing received five times more coverage on cable news than Rep. Steve King's questioning of why white supremacy is considered offensive. I have a few thoughts:
1) When women get criticized for swearing my first instinct is to swear more. It's clear to me that expecting women to be "ladylike' often just means we expect them to not speak at all. I think women need to speak more, and if cussing means they get heard, then I say cuss your heart out.
2) Based on the comments I read in response to opinion pieces about Rep. Tlaib's cussing (this is a NYT gift link so anyone can read it), lots of people — across the political spectrum — felt she should not have used language like that. Many claimed their reaction wasn't related to the fact that she's a woman, but I have a hard time believing it. I think we hold women to impossible standards. I agreed with this line from Michelle Goldberg's piece: The hysteria over Tlaib’s four-syllable word is like a warning to them, and to all the women just starting their careers on the national stage, not to show how livid they really are, to stay in line.
3) I think part of the overreaction to Rep. Tlaib's language, is that language changes, and like everything else, language changes seem to accelerate with the internet. It's got to be a pretty exciting time for linguists and dictionary writers
I remember when we moved to New York in 2001, I was shocked the first few times I heard the f-word used casually at work. You might think it's because I grew up in a small Mormon community, but that's not it. During college I had worked in Southern California, I had worked in D.C., and I never heard the f-word used at work. But at that time in New York, the f-word was different than it was in the rest of the country. It was used differently, and it held a different weight and different meaning. It was sprinkled into conversations and often didn't intend offense.
From what I can tell, the New York f-word has now migrated to the rest of the country. As an example, Emily McDowell's famous greeting card (pictured above), which was designed maybe ten years ago, is carried in fine shops everywhere.
Does the f-word being used more casually mean the world has gone to the dogs? Not to my mind. I think our culture in general has become more casual — the way we dress, the way we talk. But I don't see that as a moral issue.
4) Personally, I don't do a ton of swearing when I talk (though I do swear sometimes when I write, particularly on Twitter). As a parent, I've been careful with my language. I didn't grow up swearing much and it's never been a big thing for me. In fact, sometimes as an adult, I have felt silly when I swore, like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. But as my kids have gotten older, if they hear me cuss now and then, that's fine with me. I suppose I don't want them to feel like they need to be really careful with their language around me. I want them to talk the way they actually talk.
Even at young ages, I certainly haven't wanted my kids to be afraid of words. We've always been open about what the cuss words are, and why they're considered offensive.
5) Ultimately, I find if I'm offended by words, it's the beliefs behind them, not the cussing, that puts me on edge. Again from Michelle Goldberg's piece: When Trump called athletes who knelt to protest police brutality “sons of bitches,” the problem was bigotry, not salty language. When he was caught boasting about sexually assaulting women, the issue wasn’t that he used a slang term for female anatomy. It’s Trump’s foul actions and ideas, not his swearing, that make him a walking obscenity.
6) I remember being aware in middle school that cussing seemed pretty arbitrary. So there are words we all just agreed were bad words? I can say bum (or a whole bunch of other words for bum), but I can't say ass? I can say poop (or a whole bunch of other words for poop), but I can't say shit? It always felt a little false or hypocritical to me.
Related to that, my reaction to seeing someone flip the bird is usually laughing. I mean I know it's intended to be offensive, and I totally understand that it truly offends some people. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to rile me up. Which reminds me, did you see the video called The Most Intense Fight I've Ever Seen? (Before you click, know it has lots of middle fingers.) It makes me laugh so hard.
Your turn. What's your take on cussing? Are you careful with your language? Did your parents swear? Have your kids heard you cuss? If your kids ask you what the f word is, does it stress you out to tell them plainly? Does the Emily McDowell card bother you? And what do you think about the women in politics that we see each day? Will we expect them to be always ladylike? Will we give them space to be angry?
Instagram Live with Cyndie Spiegel
Please join me this Friday, September 29th! I’ll be hosting an Instagram Live with THE Cyndie Spiegel to discuss her excellent book, Microjoys. Cyndie is one of my favorite people and I know we’ll have a really fun conversation. Join us!
Time: It’s happening at NOON EST this Friday. That means 9:00 AM on the West Coast (and it will be evening for me here in France).
Place: My Instagram Page @desigmom.
Recently on Design Mom
Did you know that July 2023 marked 17 years of posting at Design Mom? Here are some posts from August you may have missed.
Peach Shortcakes
Use up the rest of those seasonal peaches. This is a dessert-for-two recipe.
Easy Hanging Succulent Frame
A really cool way to try a vertical planter.
Grilled Shrimp Skewers with Spicy Pineapple-Mango Salsa
So delicious and it only takes 30 minutes for prepping the whole meal. Make this before you put your grill to bed for the winter.
Make a Simple, Clay Chandelier
Use it as a mobile over a changing table, or an elegant accent in the living room. In any color you like!
Find more posts at Design Mom.
That’s all for now. I hope you are having a wonderful week. Feel free to comment on anything I mentioned above, or whatever’s on your mind.
kisses,
Gabrielle
I work in an incredibly white cis-het male dominant industry (investment banking tech) where men swear all day long. The shock and disgust on their faces every time I swear is magnificent ✨
I grew up with a conservative, religious (read: evangelical) mother who taught us that saying "crap" or "shut up" was offensive to God, not just her. This was pretty typical among most of my friends at the time. Of course I cursed around my high school friends occasionally but certainly not the "f-word." When I was in college, I started dating my now husband, a born and bred NY'er. He casually dropped f-bombs like it was saying hello. It was used as more of an intensifier in his statements and I quickly adopted it too. It was so freeing to be able to speak plainly and express my emotions in a way that felt like they matched my actual feelings. Like when I was mad, I was Fucking Pissed! Now that I am an official NY'er (20+ years living here), curse words in general are not a problem. I barely notice them and use them freely around our kids. We teach our kids that words hurt, and not just "bad" words, any word can hurt if used carelessly. We teach them context..like don't curse around Grandma - bc that would be upsetting to her, don't curse at school around teachers bc it's not an appropriate setting, etc. So far, they get it and I love that they speak freely around me. I always feel sad that my mom doesn't get to know how I really talk, joke, etc bc I censor myself out of respect. I don't want my kids to censor themselves ever. 💙